From Agni Sar newsletter, continued excerpt from I AM THAT

Q: One more question. Why does pleasure end in pain?

M: Everything has a beginning and an end and so does pleasure. Don’t anticipate and don’t regret, and there will be no pain. It is memory and imagination that cause suffering.

Of course pain after pleasure may be due to the misuse of the body of the mind. The body knows its measure, but the mind does not. Its appetites are numberless and limitless. Watch your mind with great diligence, for there lies your bondage and also the key to freedom.

Q: My question is not fully answered: Why are man’s pleasures destructive? Why does he find so much pleasure in destruction? Life’s concern lies in protection, perpetuation and expansion of itself. In this it is guided by pain an pleasure. At what point do they become destructive?

M: When the mind takes over, remembers and anticipates, it exaggerates, it distorts, it overlooks. The past is projected into the future and the future betrays the expectations. The organs of sensation and action are stimulated beyond capacity and they inevitably break down. The objects of pleasure cannot yield what is expected of them and get worn out, or destroyed by misuse. It results in excess pain where pleasure was looked for.

Q: We destroy not only ourselves, but others too?

M: Naturally, selfishness is always destructive. Desire and fear, both are self-centered states. Between desire and fear anger arises, with anger hatred, with hatred passion for destruction. War is hatred in action, organized and equipped with all the instruments of death.

Q: Is there a way to end these horrors?

M: When more people come to know their real nature, their influence, however subtle, will prevail and the world’s emotional atmosphere will sweeten up. People follow their leaders and when among the leaders appear some, great in heart and mind, and absolutely free from self-seeking, their impact will be enough to make the crudities and crimes of the present age impossible. A new golden age may come and last a time and succumb to its own perfection. For, ebb begins when the tide is at its highest.

Q: Is there no such thing as permanent perfection?

M: Yes, there is, but it includes all imperfection. It is the perfection of our self-nature which makes everything possible, perceivable, interesting. It knows no suffering, for it neither likes nor dislikes; neither accepts nor rejects. Creation and destruction are the two poles between which it weaves its ever-changing pattern. Be free from predilections and preferences and the mind with its burden of sorrow will be no more.

Q: But I am not alone to suffer. There are others.

M: When you go to them with your desires and fears, you merely add to their sorrows. First be free of suffering yourself and then only hope of helping others. You do not even need to hope– your very existence will be the greatest help a man can give his fellowmen.

From Chapter 59

Always so much to get from the teachings. One kernel ….

A day

What’s a day?

What we call the sunrise; new beginning. The high noon and afternoon: sustaining preserving life. What we call the  sunset; ending. The night sky; magical.

It happens everyday.

What it teaches me:

  • Birth
  • Life- ongoing with no meaning but what’s given. There’s always the sun, sometimes the sky is blue, sometimes it’s not, sometimes clouds, sometimes weather.
  • Death

Birth and death are opposites, not life and death. Life is Life. Love is Love and what we make of it, is our own dream, our own movie.  And as opposites, birth is death to something, death is birth to something. All the fuss in between.

 

Bear Love

A magical story

I have been saying lately that my intention… is to be intentional! And today I chose to create creating! A ridiculous kind of funny…

As you read this story you’ll see how perfect the prior sentence is.

I must start by saying my obsession with bears has peaked. In my heart I feel their sweet energy. I often see juvenile bears where I live. I believe this age to be equivalent to an 8 year old human. Not too long ago I dreamt of one walking by me in the front of my building. As it passed I thought, I really want to finally hug it. It turned around encircled me, stood up and hugged me. We kinda played pawsies then it got down and left. Amazing.

Ananda Ashram has been live in the mornings for fire ceremony, which I love and miss! After meditating we end in a chant for healing. We repeat maha-mrtyunjaya mantra. Or Tryambakam. Called the death conquering mantra. While chanting it, if there is anyone needing healing we envision them. This morning at the end of visualizing I saw a bear in my minds eye and then zoo animals. I opened my eyes and a bear was outside my window looking in. Then went on its way. I was covered in goosebumps. Total BEAR Shaktipat. I was soo excited and Bean also picked up on the energy. I jumped up and down and watched it. Magic! This is the same bear that passed by today:

2020-04-19 08.30.36

 

In this profound time

  • like sadguru (Isha in an interview with Brian Rose) said, just stay alive. i like that as I don’t want to miss this time
  • have a physical and spiritual hygiene practice- if you need help with this one contact me- it’s my wheelhouse
  • live intentionally and authentically
  • consider impact of words and thoughts
  • consider impact relating to animals, all of nature and planet
  • express self like never before
  • talk a stand, so you stop falling for just anything
  • even as things let up, don’t let up on the above

 

The unified front & facing fear

I’m choosing to share these observations. Uniting with inner guidance vs being out there~

For quite sometime now, the conversation with many has been around fear. How to face our own, truly preparing for this time. It’s undeniable that we have been given the opportunity to face fears now. I’ve been asking the question lately and earnestly, “Why are we in fear?” “Why has it always been this way?” We can say it’s being afraid of losing our life here, and we do anything to avoid that discomfort.

I am seeing fear as a huge webbing, and thankfully it is unstable and it contains within it the matrix of the duality. I firmly believe that we are being given the chance of our lifetimes. We are being asked to stabilize.. And what occurs to me is that the common commitment is being love and not fear.

I have been a super vigilant person since I was born, and that too is collapsing. Unity was only an intellectual idea- until now. For me anyway. It is landing . Our vibration remains the most important aspect of our life. And it is THE CHOICE. As I’ve been choosing anything other than fear lately I’m getting it. A unified field. A unified front is our birth rite. And as a super vigilant person, entrained to respond to things with urgency, this time period is an enormous time- out. So another collapsing. Urgency is yet another form of fear.

And collectively we are being given a chill pill. That too is a great immunization. Stabilizing ourselves again. What I mean by this is all the fragments of ourselves are being pulled together into 2020 focus. It is our rite to experience oneness. All the duality dissolving.

This duality has been perpetuated by thinking we had to choose. We haven’t understood that our vibration is where choices manifest. So we chose this not that, and it all kept a perpetual motion of fragmenting. Endlessly figuring it out. What a game. And it’s coming to an end.

And realizing now that we offer our vibration at all times. Not reliant on anyone telling us what’s what, but deciding for ourselves.

And as a temple in an Ashram is closed at times to clear and recharge, so will our world.  Resistance will drop and perhaps stillness will be the slow drip.

to everyone’s self mastery. HO!

Inception for Redesign 2020

Uncovering the Narrative

Great design simplifies a very complicated world.

If you’re not realizing a dream, 7 years is a long time. Bjarke Ingels

I’ve just come upon the beginning of year 7 in Asheville. So it’s game change time. Whatever I’ve come to know in this last phase of life is crucial. My awareness around just where I’ve been. And true to form, we have had to zoom way out. Personally I think the common human link now is that we’ve tipped ourselves on our axis and we are renovating.

My work requires another world to collide with. For me it started young with my mothers hoarding and lack of organization, and my fathers sometimes mercurial madness where he’d blast into a project. I do that. I had to make sense of my world and in order to be safe, I would recreate it until it was simple and beautiful.

So it’s been hard at times to solicit and share my gifts. It’s a happening.

2020 will be a relaunch. With laser focus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

pranayama

My current workshop

What is it?  ~ powerful and ancient ways to breathe for all of our types. Why is it so important? ~ it’s medicine.

And why do I feel that it is the next wave? ~ it immediately connects us to bliss, and you can do it anywhere.

We are always breathing. Breath is the conduit. To the extent that we really breathe, is the extent to aliveness. How much could we do if we got really ignited?

think about that!

I stand for a world wide moment that everyone stops what they are doing and consciously breathes together.

 

Article 2 – Fucked up in dodge- the entitled who take- including the voice of the female

Completing with the blame cycle

Held hostage by a man

Since the Women’s March, and the dream of my mother, a memory came into focus. One that I rarely if ever spoke about it. I was 18, and traveling in Brazil by myself, on a multi city ticket. I had flown from Rio to Fortaleza, where I didn’t know anyone. I went to a market, and while walking around, I met a man with his 3 daughters. He invited me to stay with them at their house on the beach. A day into it, after the girls and I had had some beach time, he started acting very bizarre. He said he needed to go out, and would be back in a few hours. I wanted to go to the beach, but every door was locked! We were locked in. Fuck. How creepy. Encouraged by his housekeeper who knew where his keys were to the garage and his dune buggy, she sent the three girls and I off to the mercado. Flying over the sand dunes in his dune buggy on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world, Morro Branco, the feeling I had was of awe and beauty, as well as kinda terrifying.

At the market I met the pilot of the flight I had taken to Fortaleza. He invited me to hang with him, have some lunch, then take a flight to Recife. On the flight I sat in the cockpit with him. He and I became good friends. Once back in Rio, I traveled a bit with his wife and 2 little boys.

Held hostage again

This time I was 20. Without shame I can write about this topic, as many sisters have gone through the same. I had agreed to go on a date with a guy, whom I was basically pretty lukewarm about. He didn’t attend the University I went to, but played in the band at a party my roommates and I had at the end of the school year, and had hounded me to go out with him. We went to see the movie, Flashdance. Afterwards, he invited me to his place encouraging me to sing with him. So I went. We sat down at the piano, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.. A lot of hot air. But when he got up and went and locked the front door, then started to approach me, I knew instantly I had little time. I started to speak up, being very strong mentally,  about this being the only way he could have his way with me. The psychology worked briefly, but his brute strength won out. Date raped. A term I didn’t know until two weeks later, when Time or Newsweek had cover story about it.

All I knew was that I had no idea where I was. I felt i had to accept a ride home from him. Was completely unable to speak. Confusion setting in. Not knowing what to say or do. I treated him kindly on the drive, and listened to him tell me he wanted to see me again. UGGGGGH.

No voice. To make matters worse, on some level I began excusing him. It was ingrained so deeply. That was the worst of it. Much worse than the incident itself was not being able to hold this guy accountable. Inside of myself even. Who was wrong? Did I turn on my self? Is that a female thing?

I met Jonathan Kaplan in my late 20’s, as he directed quite a few music videos for John Mellencamp. He was the director of the movie Accused, with Jodie Foster. Who doesn’t remember that movie. I told him how much I appreciated that he made it. That he chose to tell a very difficult story. That endlessly this issue would twist the scenario and the woman would be to blame. My perpetrator wasn’t a good old boy, though. He was as disenfranchised as I was, just differently. It was a real mind fuck. If I had reported him, given the color of his skin, he likely would have been toast.

Depends on how you look at it

The last video shoot I did with the band that Jonathan Kaplan directed, had me in the back seat of a limo…as an older woman. Ha! I was all of 29, with two young high school boys fawning all over me. I think I was eventually down to my bra, and decked in diamonds. These boys were in heaven. Aka Ava Gardner, with her boy toys, from Night of the Iguana.

Jonathan wasn’t crazy about this scene. It actually was cut by MTV. Too much they said. This was before Madonna’s Truth or Dare, which changed things for MTV. He and I spoke after the scene. He said that I deserved better than that. What a great guy. It might have even been his suggestion that I get paid for it. Mellencamp was way into that particular scene and wanted me to play it, as my husband and I were splitting up. He said I had the power in the scene. That’s how he thought.

I did feel somewhat degraded. But I shook it off, as it was an acting roll. It was a character. I took the money from the shoot and went directly to buy my airline ticket to NYC. I was going to check out acting schools.

We no longer need permission from Daddy… Gloria Steinem

Or anyone for that matter. I feel like I was conditioned to excuse men. By writing that, I’m not saying it was wrong to do that. It was the way it was for my particular lineage at that time. I’m not making myself wrong. No, I’ve done quite enough of that.  These stories are a way of connecting some dots. Period.

Acting school saved me, putting me in touch with my spirit. It gave me a creative outlet that I desperately needed.

Here it is 2017. I write, because it’s time for some transparency. Maybe it is helpful for someone else.

I spoke to a girlfriend today who said, maybe the time really is now. To completely come out of hiding as powerful women,  as powerful people who express themselves. Total decency.

Article 1 – Women’s March, a female perspective

Women can be together without persecution being triggered so strongly. Now we can really do something.

I had a dream with my mother in it. She was a young woman, likely in her 20’s. Wearing lipstick in a shade that I’m currently wearing, salmon like. With horned rim glasses, and a smart black suit and white shirt, her hair slightly darker than the auburn of her pictures. She was sitting on a bus. So reminiscent of one of the women in the movie Hidden Figures. My mother was a bookkeeper and when I saw the movie there was a gentle reminder of her energy.

In the dream she was happy. This was the real standout. It took me 2 days to realize the power I was feeling from this dream. It was more like a visitation. Just a day after the women’s march, I had to take note. She was happy. Wearing her dreams on her beautiful face, this version of her was full of the potential of her becoming.

My mother’s mother worked in the steel mills of Gary, Indiana. Her mantra to my mother was women were to be seen and not heard, passed on to her no doubt. My mother would mention it to me, not as a suggestion, but sharing with me what she had been told. My grandmother didn’t care for women, and my mother had an easier time with men too. I as well, in my 20’s was more welcomed into the life of my husbands band, than the circle of women surrounding it who threw shade my way.

My mother, Bette, faithfully raised her brother, as my grandmother, Lola, worked the swing shift at the mill. My uncle Terry never receiving anything less than an A+, breezed through Old Miss college, being their most outstanding student – the Woods society of excellence created in his honor, was a Rhode Scholar, then worked in D.C. as a nuclear engineer. Unfortunately he dropped dead of a cerebral hemorrhage on the squash court in the pentagon gym at age 28. (my mother was convinced he was killed by the government) My mother was 9 months pregnant with me at the time. Unable to attend his funeral, at Arlington Cemetery, my grandmother shunned my mother and consequently me as well. Telling her that she no longer mattered.

I came into this life fiercely defending her. I would fight her battles. My dad wasn’t a tyrant, but had a way of teasing her, and sometimes put her down. It was cloaked with sweetness though, as they were a loving couple. He was frustrated that she kept so much to herself, he’d try to bring her out.

Back on the bus. I had never seen this version of my mother. Beaming with the dreams she had of becoming a lawyer. There was a freedom around her. She seemed to be letting me know how far reaching the events from the 21st of January really are.

Women want to unite. Sisterhood is natural. The incorrect position women have had with other women, has been forced by the patriarchy. It’s gained much by keeping women apart. No more.

This collective energy is not only giving permission for all people to speak up now, but encouraging it.

To be heard

This uniting spirit is creating a safety net for expression. Or at least a fuck it- what do we have to lose. Persecution is finding healing. Women can be together without that being triggered as strongly. Now we can really do something.

My mother used to say to my sister and I that we were so powerful. Well, she was no sissy, she just never felt safe.

Personal Architecture

A boundary is a beautiful act in architecture. It is self loves journey. Although it can be a difficult process at first- it’s the inroad to the outroad. Without them life is chaotic and confusing.

It’s all kinds of crazy.. and Michael Moore knows it

You know how when something smells bad, but when you’re in it you get used to it? That’s what it’s like in the States now. I spent 3 months in Spain. Lived on 25 euro, and less a day. This included going out to eat. An incredible meal with wine is 8-15 euro depending. Going to the Mercado Central, spending 20 euro I’d have food for the week to prepare at home. They are fortunate, there is no trip about food. It’s all local, regional, from amazing soil. You are enriched by the earth that you’re standing on. I became sooooo much healthier. I also went to an amazing dentist, a dermatologist, and opthamalogist. You don’t see an opthamalogist here, likely don’t even know who that is, unless you’ve had surgery. They are the ones with all the degrees. She was 50 euro- for the most complete eye exam. The guy who fit me for contact lenses didn’t charge me anything until we ordered the lenses.

Michael Moore’s movie, Where To Invade Next, is just coming out now. He’s showing the amazing things that other countries do for their people. Of course, it’s complicated here in the States.

The first trip to Whole Foods upon returning here, I was sad and mad. Furious that a loaf a bread could cost $11, because it was local and from the little guy. Of course this person had to charge that much. How else? I was sad at how confused everyone must be here and some don’t even know WHY. One week back some little things that had healed, a split in my nails for example, came right back. Weird. I feel it’s about minerals. They have a mineral water that I couldn’t get enough of. I won’t even write its name..it’s so sacred! My friend who brought me to Spain to watch over her pets and apartment, told me before I came that she thought the mineral water was helping her hair. I couldn’t really take it in, I had to experience it.

This post isn’t about bashing the States, or that anyone should move somewhere else. Why are there refugees in Europe? They are not being accepted here, from something initiated here. I’m writing as a reminder. It’s not all personal. You’re not crazy. You’re on your own. In ways that you shouldn’t be. It’s affecting everyone. The quality of life is hard to find cuz it costs more than is correct. The good news is. You’re on your own. You’ve got to dig in deeply and find what’s right for you.

More than ANYTHING that can be written is to focus on what floats your boat. Remember the place inside where you feel some peace. Keep your energy up, as high as possible. This includes the company you keep. If you keep entrenched in the problems that is exactly where your energy goes. This is a choice. I’m not saying it’s effortless. Like I said in the newsletter, our job is to be the LIGHT. So.. What lights you UP?

We have control of our inner world. From a groomed worrier: Stop worrying and find your sweet spot!!!

This is a photo in Peniscola Spain, where they shot the last season of Game of Thrones in September.

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